On Being a "Difficult" Girl
I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, everyone has their own quirks, ups and downs, but I never thought I was “difficult” in the sense of expecting lavish gifts or constant doting. But then I realized that for some guys, for my old guy friends, I really was difficult to deal with. I internalized this line of thinking so much, that when talking with one of my guy friends a few years later I praised my then-fiancé because he knew, well, (I apologetically put it), he knew “how to deal with me, and my mood and what to say and what not to say”. At which point, my friend across the table at Starbucks lightly chuckled and said “well no, in your case that’s right.” I felt viciously insulted, but as I was trying to get on good terms with my old acquaintance and I didn’t know why I was so upset anyway, we just passed on to talk about other things.
But why did it make me so angry? I think it was because the reasons my old guy friends had found me more and more difficult, I had been becoming more and more proud of. They had plenty of other girls and friends they knew who were just as quirky, and perhaps less kind people. But what really drew a rift between us was morals and values, in the grander abstract sense yes, but also in the way we lived out everyday lives. I was very uncomfortable and very hurt when they would tell vulgar jokes or talk about getting it with girls or pornography. Yet, I was always “overreacting” or “being too emotional about it”. Why couldn’t I “lighten up a bit” and live and let live? This shouldn’t be upsetting me as much as it did.
After a few years away from them and surrounded by friends who were just as good of people, but who acted with more modesty and, in some sense, consideration about that in their lives, I realized that I should not be ashamed of being “difficult to deal with” if that has anything to do with the beauty that is inherent in our femininity. My modesty, which I couldn’t have even recognized and even denied at the time (as one unfortunate session watching underwater porn on a friend’s back porch confirms), is what should be and used to be assumed. That of course women were more “difficult to deal with” than men, particularly those whose vulnerable modesty prevented them from enjoying what men say they should.
Should I have been surprised? These old friends didn’t know how to respect women as women, but as man-like women who were as sexually pursuant as they. It isn’t about sexual desire, for that both sexes have, but something else. What drives other poor women to think that going home with a man they just met will make them happy? How can my friends do that? It upsets me very much, yet I always feel I am the one to blame for being upset. My education in catechetics and books like Shalit’s help me to realize otherwise, but it is a wound that never goes away. It’s always there, always shameful. My vulnerability exposed and offended and told that that is wrong, I should be as comfortable as anyone else or I have a problem.
I think I’ve concluded that I was a difficult woman to my male friend because he actually, and sadly, doesn’t know how to really treat a woman, any and every woman, with the respect, dignity and love she needs and deserves. He doesn’t realize his own attitude towards the opposite sex – thinking it is progressive and modern, treating them, in fact, like a man – or even worse. I may indeed be a lot to handle because of my whirlwind emotions or my moral beliefs – but they are the men who have been taught never to love unconditionally, never protect us, help us, love us for fear of regressing into antiquity’s failures, incurring the wrath of misguided women, or limiting their own satisfaction. That is truly sad.
Ann Gundlach wrote in an editorial to Family Foundations magazine about a man and a woman who were sexually active and living together:
But if we do that - demand true respect instead of the watered down version left from the sexual and women’s movements - we will always be the difficult women. After having learned all about the feminists of the 20th century - I really, really don’t want to be a difficult woman. They became so ungodly in their own misguided attempts to play God. But, if I have to be one, I’d rather be difficult because I refuse to follow the world’s guidelines, instead of the Lord’s.
I wonder if Mary thought she was a difficult woman too.
But why did it make me so angry? I think it was because the reasons my old guy friends had found me more and more difficult, I had been becoming more and more proud of. They had plenty of other girls and friends they knew who were just as quirky, and perhaps less kind people. But what really drew a rift between us was morals and values, in the grander abstract sense yes, but also in the way we lived out everyday lives. I was very uncomfortable and very hurt when they would tell vulgar jokes or talk about getting it with girls or pornography. Yet, I was always “overreacting” or “being too emotional about it”. Why couldn’t I “lighten up a bit” and live and let live? This shouldn’t be upsetting me as much as it did.
After a few years away from them and surrounded by friends who were just as good of people, but who acted with more modesty and, in some sense, consideration about that in their lives, I realized that I should not be ashamed of being “difficult to deal with” if that has anything to do with the beauty that is inherent in our femininity. My modesty, which I couldn’t have even recognized and even denied at the time (as one unfortunate session watching underwater porn on a friend’s back porch confirms), is what should be and used to be assumed. That of course women were more “difficult to deal with” than men, particularly those whose vulnerable modesty prevented them from enjoying what men say they should.
Should I have been surprised? These old friends didn’t know how to respect women as women, but as man-like women who were as sexually pursuant as they. It isn’t about sexual desire, for that both sexes have, but something else. What drives other poor women to think that going home with a man they just met will make them happy? How can my friends do that? It upsets me very much, yet I always feel I am the one to blame for being upset. My education in catechetics and books like Shalit’s help me to realize otherwise, but it is a wound that never goes away. It’s always there, always shameful. My vulnerability exposed and offended and told that that is wrong, I should be as comfortable as anyone else or I have a problem.
I think I’ve concluded that I was a difficult woman to my male friend because he actually, and sadly, doesn’t know how to really treat a woman, any and every woman, with the respect, dignity and love she needs and deserves. He doesn’t realize his own attitude towards the opposite sex – thinking it is progressive and modern, treating them, in fact, like a man – or even worse. I may indeed be a lot to handle because of my whirlwind emotions or my moral beliefs – but they are the men who have been taught never to love unconditionally, never protect us, help us, love us for fear of regressing into antiquity’s failures, incurring the wrath of misguided women, or limiting their own satisfaction. That is truly sad.
Ann Gundlach wrote in an editorial to Family Foundations magazine about a man and a woman who were sexually active and living together:
“I immediately heard my Dad’s voice in my head, telling Dave to grow up, act like a man, and marry this woman…a real man makes a commitment, and that he is supposed to help protect the woman he loves. Instead, Dave is putting Amy at risk of desertion, emotional turmoil, financial complications, unplanned pregnancy, etc., by choosing to live together instead of marry, simply because there is no real commitment there…
Likewise, my Dad would tell Amy to grow up, to demand respect, and not allow a man to treat her like that.” [“Learn about love in real marriage” Family Foundations 33 (4) Jan/Feb 2007: 4.]
But if we do that - demand true respect instead of the watered down version left from the sexual and women’s movements - we will always be the difficult women. After having learned all about the feminists of the 20th century - I really, really don’t want to be a difficult woman. They became so ungodly in their own misguided attempts to play God. But, if I have to be one, I’d rather be difficult because I refuse to follow the world’s guidelines, instead of the Lord’s.
I wonder if Mary thought she was a difficult woman too.
posted by Silabella @ 8:25 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home